Some Light Relief

Over the past while I have felt frustrated with the lack of good things happening in my world, therefore I have decided to dedicate this post to some funnies to hopefully make all you lovely people in the world smile if you're having a bad day =)!

• My boyfriend says that I never solve my own problems.

How do I prove him wrong?

• I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?"

 My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well."

As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "dickhead", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!

• Having just met my blind date in the pub, I brought her a drink and, as we sat down, some jive music came on the jukebox.
She said, "There is something about the jive I find sexy."So, to impress her, I waved my arms about doing the hand jive. She moaned that she was getting wet. I said, "Am I turning you on?""No, you still have your fucking pint in your hand."

• A guy walks into a local pharmacy and up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him, he says, "I'd like ninety-nine condoms, please." With a surprised look on her face, the pharmacist says, "Ninety-nine condoms? Fuck me!" To which the guy replies, "Make it a hundred then."

• A young lad wanders into Boots the Chemist and asked to buy condoms. The Chemist manages to convince the lad to buy a dozen multicoloured condoms which were on offer. Nine months later the lad is back to buy a maternity bra. "What bust?" asks the chemist. "I think it was the blue one."

• When I was a kid, my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom...Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.

• I went on a date this evening. I said, "So, are you a vampire?" "No," she said, with a puzzled look on his face. I said, "So you can see your reflection and you still come out looking like that?"